Imposter Syndrome, the power of stories and of being boldly vulnerable…
What do teenagers and leaders have in common? We are both excited to welcome Steph Charles into our CVL whānau and to hear her many leadership stories across her roles as an actress, agent to the stars, and tech CEO. First up, she’s got a great reminder for us that’s a little more personal. Welcome to the team Steph!
“You can play a meaningful part in managing any Imposter Syndrome lurking in the corners of your workplace, by being brave enough to be your authentic self.”
I was at the supermarket checkout with my 16-year-old son last week. He was silently lurking alongside me, looking deeply uncomfortable, which I assumed was because I’d dragged him out of his bedroom where he’d been busy coding up a storm on his laptop.
‘That was AWFUL.’ he declared, as we got into the car. I thought he was kicking up quite the stink over a 20-minute trip to get bagels!
As it turns out, our checkout operator had been a boy from his school. After a bit of probing, I discovered my son’s inner monologue had gone something like this: ‘I recognise him! Oh man, he has it all together. He’s working here all cool and calm like it’s no big deal. How do you even get your first job? I’m standing here with my mum like a total loser – he must think I’m so immature’.
“Everybody has it together, but me”
My boy (I’ll refer to him as DT, short for Dramatic Teen) was suffering from a self-confidence blip and letting his negative self-talk go rogue. He’s certainly not the first teenager to assume someone else has it all together and is silently judging him. In my experience, teenagers aren’t the only ones worrying that they’re not enough and that many of the leaders we work with have a similar internal voice.
These feelings are elements of our old friend Imposter Syndrome. You may recognise the ‘big three’ below, which are commonly identified as parts of Imposter Syndrome:
The fear of being exposed as a fraud
Thinking that people have an exaggerated view of your abilities
The continuous tendency to downplay your achievements
Imposter Syndrome can show up at work and make us feel like we’re keeping a terrible secret – we don’t really know what we’re doing and we’re not up to scratch. That can lead to feeling like we don’t belong, we’re not good enough, and that we’re going to be caught out at any moment.
It’s a deeply uncomfortable place to spend time in.
As a leader - be it at work, with family or out in your community - you’ll probably experience Imposter Syndrome playing out for yourself or someone else at some point. This experience might be a tiny shiver of discomfort, or a huge wave. Here’s two things we tried that might be useful for you too:
1: Try stepping into someone else’s shoes
With DT’s ‘shiver of discomfort’, I decided to start small, with the negative self-talk.
I suggested that we imagine the inner monologue of our checkout operator. After a few eye rolls from DT, we decided to imagine this kid was on his second day at work, was worried his ‘pits were sweaty and that he’d made a mistake ringing up the items of the person before us (we just hadn’t seen any of that). Our checkout operators imaginary self-talk went ‘…oh no! Someone from school! I bet they saw me stuff up before and think I’m an idiot. I’m probably going to get fired. I bet this guy has a way cooler job than me – he probably delivers pizzas on a Vespa’. Spoiler alert, DT doesn’t own a Vespa.
2: Change the story
I asked DT how he felt, having imagined this scenario, hoping it had made him feel better. It hadn’t. He shrugged and said, “But that was just a story. It doesn’t change anything”’
Then I got excited, because of course, he was right – but very importantly, only half right.
My brilliant DT had identified one of the most powerful things in the world; that lots of what goes on in our lives is based on the stories we tell ourselves. They feel powerful and real. But what if you remind yourself there are of lots of possible stories? What if you pause and consider that in any given moment, you’re only seeing one page of a book that’s probably full of unseen drama and challenge in the other chapters?
So, what happens if you choose to change the story you believe? Or open yourself up to the possibly that you only have part of the story? What might happen then?
DT was still reluctant to be cheered up at this point. He insisted that the first story that popped into his head was loud and convincing and therefore, surely the most likely to be true. He had a good point – Imposter Syndrome can be can loud and persistent.
As my DT is quite the sceptic and loves logic, I reminded him of a couple of simple facts:
There is a first time for everyone, whatever the task.
There is a learning curve for everyone – you just may not see it in action.
Everyone makes mistakes.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
We’re all human (and I’m pretty sure everyone snores when they have a cold).
That’s when DT started to come around. That checkout operator probably didn’t have some secret advantage, knowledge or superpower that my son was lacking. He might have been having a bad day, or a great one – who knows? The important takeaway was that the first story my son told himself wasn’t necessarily true. We got to go home and eat our bagels with that possibility lightening the mood.
Leaders can help change people’s stories
I helped DT imagine a case scenario where his schoolmate wasn’t perfect, to help him shift his perspective. We can help each other with shifting perspectives (changing the story) by sharing more than just what’s on the surface in our work lives.
You can play a meaningful part in managing any Imposter Syndrome lurking in the corners of your workplace, by being brave enough to be your authentic self. You know, the self that sometimes goes out with egg on your T-shirt (or is that just me?).
Showing vulnerability (‘I felt nervous before that meeting!’) or the effort behind your output (‘that presentation you just saw took me ages to create!’) may be just what someone else needed to hear.
There is something extra powerful about seeing a leader doing this.
It can be tough to model vulnerability as a leader. You may feel people expect you to be sure of yourself all the time and that you mustn’t risk looking ‘weak’. You may love that your team believe you’re superhuman – that admiration may be just the ego boost you need. So, should you risk sharing your real, more bumpy experiences? I think so!
One of my favourite leaders was a boss I deeply admired for his depth of knowledge and how well he did his job. He also openly let me know when he’d made a stuff-up or was feeling unsure about something. He knew he had strengths and weaknesses and wasn’t worried that sharing a bad day would dent his image. His approach made me feel trusted and showed me that that successful people aren’t perfect. And if that was OK for him, that was OK for me too.
Little and often
We can all do little things on the daily, to help keep Imposter Syndrome at bay for ourselves and others:
We can change the stories we tell ourselves. Invite yourself or someone else to imagine a different story, or another chapter in the book. Get a fresh perspective!
We can all model being human – showing what really goes on behind the scenes for you can build trust and give others courage and hope.
Leaders who are boldly vulnerable are incredibly powerful – use that superpower for good!
This month I stepped into my new role with the CVL whānau. It’s been the perfect time to reflect on my son’s experience, as I find my inner voice giving me a hard time! In sharing with my colleagues they’ve been reassuring that we’re in common territory and keeping it real. I’m looking forward to sharing more with you as I settle in.
Do you know anyone else who would benefit from this reminder? Will you share a little more of your story with them? I hope so!
