Is it time to put away the silver-lining brush?
As we navigate the ongoing complexities of extended lockdown restrictions, CVL Senior Consultant Aleisha Coote shares her thoughts on how to lean in and be present for the tough stuff.
The silver-lining brush is top of mind for me right now. Why? Because I’m a serial optimist. I am constantly looking at the glass-half-full or actively searching for the positive view of any given situation. Often this high optimisim is a superpower of mine, but recently I’ve realised I may be overusing this strength and attempting to fix a whole lot of stuff that doesn’t need fixing.
Here’s more on my ‘aha’ moment this week and why I’m chucking out the silver-lining brush.
What is the silver-lining brush?
In short, it’s our attempt to make things better and to overlay a more ‘hopeful’ view on a situation.
A friend tells me: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the amount I have to get done by the end of the month.”
And I respond with: “You’ll be ok. At least you have a full team to help you with the workload. I’m sure you’ll make it happen as you always do”.
This is a hopeful view often delivered with the best intent, however, what this ‘silver-lining’ response lacks is any opportunity for a true connection. The response lacks empathy and glosses over the emotional insight of “feeling overwhelmed” that is core to this interaction.
Why are we doing so much silver-lining right now?
With ongoing lockdown restrictions on top of a tough couple of years, the messiness of being human within a complex world is front of mind for many as we navigate life, careers, and multiple roles within our families, teams, organisations, and extended communities.
And the brain naturally wants to make sense of messiness.
The challenge is, in my recent attempts to make sense of the chaos, I’ve realised I’ve been missing the point. My overly optimistic views have been shadowing the reality of what is coming up for others.
Despite the fact that we teach this stuff (ugh!), I’ve realised in the midst of my own ‘survival’, I’ve had the silver-lining brush out far too often recently and I feel like I’m missing the deep connection on how my colleagues, friends and family are actually travelling right now.
It may be time to pop the silver-lining brush back in the draw.
Image credit: https://brenebrown.com/videos/rsa-short-empathy/
Leaning in with empathy
Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. It’s important as it supports us to connect to each other. Renowned Nursing scholar, Dr. Teresa Wiseman, outlines four qualities of empathy.
Perspective taking - the ability to step in to the shoes of someone else and see the world through their lens
Staying out of judgement - approaching situations as a blank canvas, seeking to understand the reality of others
Recognising emotion in others – listening out for emotive words, or looking for the emotional response
Communicating back the emotion you see – reflecting back the emotions that you hear or see
Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown shares a great video that brings the concept of empathy (and the silver-lining brush) to life. If you haven’t seen it already, it’s certainly worth the watch as you build on these reflections (see link below).
The art of acknowledgement
Despite how much I may want to help and fix things, my ‘aha’ moment this week is this:
Attempting to fix things is exhausting for me right now. And so much is outside of my sphere of influence. And so, instead, I commit to an increased focus on empathy. To notice the emotions in others. To acknowledge them without judgement. To reflect back what I hear and see. And to be present in that space with them.
The greatest gift I can give is to create the space for others to be heard. Because society is noisy right now. Very noisy. And as the impacts of Covid continue we’re listening to each other less and less, which I worry will lead to a deep sense of loneliness. Empathy is the gift that I believe will help get us through.
Gentle prompts
And so a new response to my previous example might sound like this.
A friend tells me: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the amount I have to get done by the end of the month.”
And I respond with: “I can hear you feel overwhelmed, and it sounds like you’ve got a lot on between now and the end of the month. That sounds tough.”
Other gentle and empathetic prompts might include:
Thanks for sharing with me. Please know that I am here to listen and you are welcome to share with me anytime.
Thank you for trusting me with this. It means a lot to me.
I’m hear for you.
Is there anything I can do to help?
This is a difficult situation and I think you’ve shown a lot of courage and strength in how you’re choosing to share how you’re feeling.
You know yourself best. What do you think would be most helpful to you right now?
I don’t know what to say, but I’m so pleased you told me.
Closing thoughts
Empathy doesn’t mean taking on the challenges of others and trying to solve them. Its not about adding more weight to your shoulders. But rather, empathy is the ability to truly listen and connect. A true gift right now.
And so I leave you with this challenge: What might start to shift if you lean in to the tough stuff with empathy? Who might start to notice? And what impact will you make in the lives of others when you allow them to be truly heard?
Just in case you, like I, have had the silver-lining brush out lately - perhaps it’s time to pop it back in the draw.
Brené Brown on Empathy